


Episode Review: Rockets out of Control

by GrumpyGhostOwl



Series: Grumpy Episode Reviews [13]
Category: Battle of the Planets
Genre: Episode Review
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-29
Updated: 2016-10-29
Packaged: 2018-08-27 20:14:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8415148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrumpyGhostOwl/pseuds/GrumpyGhostOwl
Summary: Guest starring a Norwegian Blue government official and two astronauts, none of whom have passed on, are no more, have ceased to be, expired and gone to meet their maker; are stiffs, bereft of life, or resting in peace. They are not pushing up daisies, nor are their metabolic processes history. They are not off the twig, have not kicked the bucket and they have not shuffled off this mortal coil. They have not run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible. They are not ex-people... they're just pining for the fjords, honest.





	

This episode opens with the usual shot of Center Neptune, the three tropical fish Larry, Curly and Moe, and the usual apocryphal narration of the execrable 7-Zark-7. "Here at Center Neptune," Zark says as sunlight filters through the water, "deep beneath the ocean's surface, we of G-Force are on constant guard against alien invaders from outer space."  
  
At this point, the 'cute robot' music starts up, and I know this is going to be annoying, but in the interests of the review, I'm going to watch it and recount all that transpires.  
  
The things I do for you.  
  
We cut to Zark's ready room, where the little tin toad pops up out of his transportation tube like so much underdone toast, wearing his nasty little number seven sweater.  
  
"But even a robot like me needs a breather now and then," Zark says, and I wonder why this should be so. Zark is a robot, like the ones at the car factories. Also, he doesn't actually breathe. "And today," he continues, "I've been given time off to watch an historic space shot." Zark reclines on his horrible little couch. "Today, we're sending two astronauts to explore sub-planet Zorah as a refuelling and way-station in our space shuttle programme, so I'm just going to relax in front of my monitor and watch the blast-off and all the excitement!"  
  
At this point, the cybernetic canine 1-Rover-1 makes unintelligible but 'cute' cybernetic dog noises at Zark.  
  
"Hi, 1-Rover-1," says Zark, who is suddenly and inexplicably standing again. "Do you want to watch the launching, too?  
  
Rover yaps a bit more, and the animators have seen fit to draw little 'sound wave' lines coming out of his mouth, which is just annoying.  
  
"Ooh, you're hungry," Zark interprets.  
  
Rover yaps again, with some apparent urgency.  
  
"Well, here's a nice juicy wrench," Zark declares, producing a red wrench from behind his back, Bugs Bunny style, "to gnaw on until dinner time." Zark hands the wrench to Rover, who takes it and stands on his hind legs, the better to appreciate it. The dog walks away with the wrench in his mouth and Zark watches him go. "I hope he doesn't bite off more than he can chew," quips Zark. We cut to a monitor which appears to be showing some variant of Tetris, with a bit of dramatic music from the brass section. "I think the big moment is almost here!" Zark gushes.  
  
Another cut and we're into the Gatchaman footage as the camera tracks across a broad expanse of concrete to a gantry and a rocket being readied for launch. "Yes," Zark continues, "there's the launching site! Everything's ready! The rocket ship is in position, and those are the two astronauts ready to board." We see vision of two wholesome-looking chaps in space suits riding in the rear of a futuristic-looking vehicle. "The taxi will take them to the boarding area. The launch is about to begin!"  
  
Does this mean Zark's narration is about to end? One can only hope.  
  
Mark, Keyop and Princess are among the onlookers, leaning up against a safety railing and watching the astronauts pass by.  
  
"It's kind of interesting watching someone in our own line of work," Mark comments.  
  
Keyop burbles for a moment, arms hanging over the railing. "Field is getting... overcrowded," he manages to say after a lot of meaningless vocalisation. If Zark was the most annoying thing about _Battle of the Planets_ , I think Keyop's speech impediment was, for me, the second most annoying thing.  
  
"I know just how they feel," Princess says. "All the years of training, leading up to this one big moment."  
  
"I guess they got a pretty dangerous job," Tiny speculates.  
  
"It's no tougher than the jobs they hand us," Jason says, turning away.  
  
Jason has a very valid point, and one which bugged me somewhat when I first saw this episode as a kid. Here we have G-Force with their amazing super-duper teckernological space ship, the _Phoenix_ which goes zooming off at 'time warp' every episode, and there's all this fuss over a 1970s style rocket? What gives?  
  
Of course I know nowadays what gave, but back then it was terribly frustrating to get the feeling that there was something not right about my favourite show. I knew it had to be a translation from the original Japanese but back in sleepy suburban Perth in 1979 I had no way of accessing the original to find out what the deal was.  
  
Even if the internet as we know it had been invented back then I would probably have been told to stop mucking around and get on with my homework.  
  
Back to our story, and Tiny takes offence at Jason's attitude. "Maybe not," he says, "but that doesn't mean they got a snap!"  
  
"Don't get so uptight," Jason reproves. "They get all the glamour and glory."  
  
Mark remains unperturbed. "The point is, Jason, we're all on the same team. We just have different assignments."  
  
We cut to the exterior of a large house with a rambling hedge and a helicopter in the garden.  
  
Some people have water features. Others go for rotary-wing aircraft. Takes all kinds, I suppose.  
  
A large man in a burgundy suit looks at his watch, accompanied by some dramatic music.  
  
From the house emerges a tall thin bearded man in a brown suit (was this the seventies, or what?) who descends the steps to be met by watch-checking man, who speaks in a droning monotone: "We're a little late, sir."  
  
Brown suit ignores watch-checking man and the two of them get into the helicopter, which looks as though there isn't an awful lot of room inside.  
  
The helicopter takes off and flies out over a city at low level.  
  
We then cut back to the rocket, where preparations proceed apace. Gantries are wheeled back, trucks retreat to bunkers and the music is downright anticipatory.  
  
The next cut is to a map of... er... something. Lots of blobby shapes, anyway, then the camera pulls back and, oh, dear, Zark is going to narrate for us again. Darn.  
  
"This is the underground space ship control centre," Zark says. "Here are all the technicians and equipment for tracking the flight of Laureli-3." Okay, so the ship has a name. "You can see the radar screens and all the rest of the computerised equipment ready for action." It's all very modern, in a highly retro kind of a way. We're talking reel-to-reel stuff, flashing lights and CRTs.  
  
An announcer gives an order: "Clear the area!" as the astronauts step aboard the bridge to board the rocket. An attendant clamps their helmets on and we cut to brown suit man who is seated in a Big Chair surrounded by hangers-on, one of whom appears to be Security Chief Anderson.  
  
"Success and a safe return!" says brown suit man, and we see that he's addressing the astronauts via some kind of video link. The astronauts salute and the elevator carries them up to their capsule.  
  
From their vantage point in a building some distance away, brown suit man and his associates watch. Chief Anderson is watching the astronauts board the capsule through some high-tech binocular thingies. He's having a reflective moment (and not just because he's standing in front of the window.) _They're so young_ , he thinks (as though G-Force aren't?) _They're not even aware of the dangers before them._ Ummmm... I thought that was what the training was for. I mean, most astronauts are highly trained professionals who are well aware of the dangers before them and how best to deal with those dangers. That's why they're astronauts and we're not. _I wonder how I'd feel in their place?_ Probably damned uncomfortable in the knowledge that for some time to come, you're going to be obliged to empty your bladder within the confines of your specially-designed space suit.  
  
The door closes on the astronauts and announcement-man declares, "Ten seconds to blast-off." He then commences the count down while we get to see shots of everyone watching, including G-Force. The rockets fire and announcement-man counts up while the rocket lifts off. "Thirty seconds after lift-off, and the space ship is on course," concludes announcement-man, and all the technicians look relieved.  
  
Brown suit man is also pleased. "Well, it looks like a successful space launch," he says.  
  
Watch-checking man (at his right) agrees. "We can all be proud of our team."  
  
Brown suit man looks to his left. "Anderson," he says, "my helicopter's close by. Why don't you let me drop you off at your security base?"  
  
Anderson declines. "Thank you, Mister Secretary, but I think I should stay here."  
  
The Secretary of Brown Suits turns to Anderson, and the music is a bit on the sinister side. "Oh, I'm sure you can be spared, Anderson. We see so little of each other. We ought to drink a toast."  
  
Anderson bows his head with an air of resignation. Some invitations are orders. "Thank you, Mister Secretary." He turns and follows the Secretary and watch-checking man from the room.  
  
Back at the viewing platform, Keyop is bored. "Another space shot... Old news!" he declares.  
  
"Well, I'm happy there was no problem," Princess says.  
  
"It was a smooth operation," Mark says. "Those astronauts are on their own now and so are we. What shall we do?"  
  
Keyop brightens up at this. "Go to ready room... Make music."  
  
"And eat spaceburgers!" Tiny says. They run off and exit stage right.  
  
  
  
At the helipad, watch-checking man sees Chief Anderson aboard the chopper and runs clear as the machine takes off. Once clear, he lights a cigarette, which triggers Zark's suspicions in voice-over. "There's something strange about Secretary Claybourne's assistant," Zark muses. "I think I'll check with the Secretary's office and inquire about him." We cut to an office with a big expensive looking desk. An office assistant enters with an armful of papers, notices an odd stain on one of the curtains and pulls the drape aside. She drops the papers as a body falls from its hiding place.  
  
We cut back to Zark, now, in order that we may be Zarked.  
  
"Secretary Claybourne has just been attacked and seriously injured by unknown assailants. That was an imposter, pretending to be Claybourne who got on the helicopter with Chief Anderson. The Chief is obviously in great danger! I must alert G-Force at once!"  
  
Zark sometimes reminds me of Michael Palin's character in Monty Python's Dead Parrot sketch. Let it be known that Secretary Claybourne has not joined the choir celestial, he's merely pining for the fjords.  
  
Of the two, Michael Palin was the more convincing. Claybourne looks like an ex-Secretary to me.  
  
The scene changes to some gosh-awful animation of G-Force in their ready room. Due to the budget, they always do the same things in the ready room: Keyop is drumming, Princess is playing her guitar, Tiny is eating and Jason is playing table tennis with Mark.  
  
Tiny picks up a spaceburger and says, "That's my fifth spaceburger. When we're between jobs like this, I get a nervous appetite."  
  
"It's the music," Jason reasons. "It's got a fast beat. If Princess and Keyop played slower, you'd eat slower." Studies have shown that Jason is right, and people do tend to eat more quickly when the ambient music has a fast beat, and more slowly when the music is calmer. Is this part of the educational content for today? I'm just asking.   
  
"Well, the music hasn't speeded up your game any, Jason," Mark says. "I need some competition."  
  
"Okay! Dig this!" Keyop chirps, and launches into a frenetic drum solo.  
  
Mark, as always, slips, hits the ping pong ball off on a wild angle and, as always, the ball ricochets across the room to knock the spaceburger out of Tiny's hand in defiance of the laws of physics.  
  
Keyop finishes his drum solo and asks, "Who won?"  
  
"I lost," Tiny says, and, as always, this is Zark's cue to break in on the discussion.  
  
"Attention, G-Force!" Zark announces. "I have a double red alert. I'm worried about Chief Anderson. He's disappeared, and I suspect _foul play._ Three hours ago, a full hour before the blast-off, the _real_ Secretary Claybourne was attacked in his office and left unconscious. An office assistant discovered him just a short while ago. He's been hospitalised, and will recover, but we've been unable to learn anything from him yet. Now, Chief Anderson has disappeared!"  
  
Princess is bemused. "I don't understand," she says. "Secretary Claybourne was present at the launching."  
  
Mark has the answer: "Obviously, he was a phony, right, Zark?"  
  
"Right!" Zark affirms. "And now the phony Claybourne has kidnapped Chief Anderson, and I don't need to tell you that whoever has the Chief can endanger our security." He doesn't need to tell us, but he will anyway. "It's up to you to find him, team. Good luck!" Great briefing, Zark. That gives the team heaps of information on where to start.  
  
"G-Force!" the team choruses, and the lift platform they're standing on drops away.  
  
Mark gives the order to transmute, and there's a sequence cut from some other episodes as they do so. It seems that the production team needed to fill in quite a lot of time. There were possibly quite a few Norwegian Blues pining for the fjords in this episode.  
  
Now we see the _Phoenix_ cruising at relatively low altitude over water, and now, because we have been bad boys and girls at some point in our lives, Zark is sent back to torment us some more, this time via the ship's tele-comm system.  
  
"Let me summarise the gravity of our situation," he says, and I wish he would just go away. "Laureli-3 has been _veered_ from its orbit." Here we see the rocket heading in to space with the boosters starting to separate. "This deviation," Zark continues, "occurred immediately after the first stage rocket was separated. Crew members, as well as Control Center, are doing their best to bring the space ship back into orbit, but so far, Laureli-3 remains off course and we have been unable to rectify it."  
  
"That's rough, Zark," Jason says, "but just what can we do to help those astronauts?"  
  
"Naturally, we hope a proper correction can be made," Zark burbles, "but, in the event it can't be, the space ship will turn back toward Earth and transform itself into a fireball in the atmosphere as it re-enters. According to my computations, the space ship will crash somewhere in the eastern portion of the United States, approximately one hour from now. Even though we're evacuating all persons immediately, the area within five miles of impact will be virtually destroyed! Chief Anderson created the Laureli Programme. Only _he_ can help us now!"  
  
I'm not going to go into all the inaccuracies contained in Zark's little blurb because it would only be a rant.  
  
"Where're we gonna look, Mark?" Tiny asks. "We don't have a clue on his whereabouts. Nothing! He could be anywhere!"  
  
"Why do we always get the impossible assignments?" Jason asks.  
  
"Never mind the questions," Mark says. "What we need right now are answers." Way to state the obvious, there, Chicken Boy.  
  
  
  
While G-Force are left casting about for answers, and Zark seemingly unable or unwilling to provide any helpful information such as the registration of the helicopter Chief Anderson was last seen getting into, its last known trajectory or information on its transponder signal, we cut to the ersatz Claybourne, who, predictably makes a pass with his coat to reveal his true identity: it's that purple people-stealer, Zoltar.  
  
Naturally, he now indulges in a spot of Maniacal Laughter™, because Maniacal Laughter™ is in the Evil Contract and you have to do it on a regular basis in order to keep your Evil Accreditation.  
  
"Well, this time the Earthlings have a little surprise in store for them," Zoltar chuckles, which is a bit of a tautology, isn't it?  
  
He's talking to Evil Commander _du jour_ who is got up to look like a giant... insect-y sort of... Oh, dear.  
  
"Yes, sir!" says Evil Commander _du jour_. "It is your guidance interceptor that has turned Earth's spaceship off its course!"  
  
"By the way," Zoltar says, rising from his seat, "where have you placed our illustrious prisoner?"  
  
"Don't worry, Zoltar," says ECdj, "we have him tucked away where he can't do any harm." ECdj gestures at a monitor screen, which shows Chief Anderson bound to a chair in the middle of what looks like a giant extraction fan or something. Whatever it is, it's a very elaborate location for a chair.  
  
Anderson seems somewhat less than thrilled with the accommodations, but what the monitor doesn't show, as the camera pans around and closes in on his hands, which are tied behind the back of the chair (I bet his nose is itching -- doesn't that always happens when you can't scratch?) is that he's working a little doohickey on his watch. Clearly, he has something... no. No, I'm not going to say it. Yes I am: he has something up his sleeve!  
  
The watch is reading 11:30, by the way, and it's an analogue, not a digital, which is somewhat surprising given the popularity of digital watches at the time of production.  
  
Back aboard the _Phoenix_ Anderson's time signal is registering on an oscilloscope on Princess' console. "We're getting radio signals from Chief Anderson!" Princess announces. The others all turn to look back at her.  
  
"Beautiful!" Tiny declares. He'd been wanting to know the time all morning.  
  
"Try to pinpoint the location, Princess," Mark says.  
  
"Just a second," Princess says, and twiddles some dials. "It's not very far," she tells them. This is most convenient. They'd been heading in exactly the right direction all along! How Zarky! "Ninety degrees left, on grid twenty." Uh huh. Why do I have this sudden urge to go find my old navigation texbooks and burn them all?  
  
"Big ten," says Tiny, and now I have the urge to go find my Field Radio Operator's Manual and burn that as well.  
  
The _Phoenix_ banks to starboard -- that's the _right_ , Princess having told them the signal was coming from the left -- and levels out. "We're heading for Coast Harbour," Tiny informs his passengers.  
  
"I don't like the sound of it," Mark says. "The world's largest atomic energy centre is located there."  
  
"Chief Anderson's signals are coming from that atomic energy centre," Princess says.  
  
So... the aliens have landed, taken over the world's largest atomic energy centre, taken a high-level prisoner there... _and nobody noticed._ Ooooh-kay.  
  
"And," Mark exposits, "it's the exact spot where that runaway space ship is expected to crash!"  
  
Wow. What a coincidence.  
  
"I think Zoltar wants us to come there," Jason speculates.  
  
"Maybe you're right, Jason," Mark says, "but we've got to take that chance. If we don't find Anderson, that space ship is doomed."  
  
Yup. Only one individual out of the entire space programme knows how to get that rocket back on course. One person. Heaven help the world if he takes a sick day.  
  
"Go," says Tiny, and lands the _Phoenix_ at the world's largest atomic energy centre, where Zoltar wants them to be, where Chief Anderson is being held prisoner, and where Zoltar has done everything but put up a big shiny billboard with a photo of Admiral Ackbar on it.  
  
The team emerge from the command ship and leap to the ground. From there they run to a chainlink fence topped with barbed wire. Mark, Jason, Princess and Keyop leap over without incident, but Tiny hesitates and gets stuck on the wire. His uniform must protect him from injury, however, because he gets over the fence, lands flat on his back, leaps to his feet and rejoins the team at a run.  
  
As one might expect, Zoltar and ECdj are watching them on a wide screen TV. Zoltar has an evil chuckle because he's already fulfilled his Maniacal Laughter™ requirement for the day. "How quickly the little birds are caught in the net," he gloats. "Come closer, little birds," he urges. "Just a little closer..." Then he gives in and indulges in another spot of Maniacal Laughter™ because he probably gets extra credit for it. Or maybe he just enjoys letting us all see right up his nose.  
  
On that note, let us go to...  
  


  
**RECIPE OF THE EPISODE**  
  
BELGIAN LEMON CAKE  
  
This luscious cake is topped with delicious lemon butter. It’s sweet and tart at the same time, and is at its wicked best served warm with double cream.  
  
LEMON BUTTER (make first)  
125g Sugar  
60g Butter  
2 Eggs  
Juice and rind of one Lemon  
  
Beat all together and cook over low heat, stirring continuously. DO NOT BOIL. Stir until mixture is the consistency of honey.  
  
Leave to cool while making cake mixture.  
  
CAKE  
1 cup SR Flour  
½ cup Sugar  
60g Butter  
1 Egg, lightly beaten  
Rub butter into flour and sugar. Add beaten egg and mix together to make a soft dough. Press 2/3 of the dough into a lined 20cm cake tin. Pour over the lemon butter. Crumble the remaining dough over the top.  
Bake for 30 minutes at 180ºC  
  


  
  
  
  
Back at Nerve Center, Zark is pacing the floor. "I've lost contact with G-Force," he complains. "That means they're operating under radio silence, now. By this time, they must be inside the grounds of the Coast Harbour Atomic Energy Center." He turns to face the camera. "That's supposed to be _our_ installation, but my remote sensor probes advise me that Zoltar and his men have taken the place over by force!" Pity you didn't notice this before, when you were on _constant guard against alien invaders from outer space_ , huh, Zark? "Jason may be right," Zark admits, "G-Force could be bait for a trap!" Um... isn't it Anderson who was bait for the trap, Zark? "I wish they'd re-establish contact with me so I could help!"  
  
  
  
With that over (thankfully) we return to the Coast Harbour Atomic Energy Center, where G-Force are lurking just outside the main entrance. Mark flips open the top of his bracelet and slides a chip into a slot, a bit like the gadgets they used in _The Awesome Ray Force_. They called them 'personnel infra-detectors' in that episode but who knows whether this is the same thing or not?  
  
The gadget of the episode starts beeping and flashing. "We're in the right ball park," Mark declares. "According to the radio signal, Anderson is nearby."  
  
At this, they split up: Mark and Princess run off to the left; Jason leaps straight up; and Tiny and Keyop head to the right, around a corner.  
  
The camera sticks with Mark and Princess, who are now inside the building and running down a corridor. The two of them pull up short at an intersection and wait as they see shadows moving at the end of the passageway running at right angles. Mark readies his boomerang, but the shadows turn out to belong to Tiny and Keyop, who provide comic relief by falling over each other.  
  
As Mark and Princess chuckle at their team-mates' discomfiture, they fail to notice a security camera tracking them from the ceiling.  
  
The cameras are also tracking the movements of Jason, Tiny and Keyop as well as the non-movements of Chief Anderson, duly watched by Zoltar and ECdj.  
  
ECdj is impatient. "What do you say, Zoltar? Shall we greet our friends with a volley?"  
  
Zoltar has other ideas. He holds up an admonitory hand. "Not so fast. If we draw them closer, we can finish them all off at once!" Zoltar turns from the monitors and walks away, leaving ECdj somewhat bemused.  
  
As it happens, G-Force are pretty close. They all converge on Anderson's location at once. He's clearly embarrassed, and apologises, telling the team he's sorry.  
  
Princess kneels to undo the ropes. "I'm glad we got here in time," she says.  
  
Mark draws his boomerang. "Now let's get out." Instead of waiting for Princess to untie the knots, he uses the bladed edge of one wing to slice through Anderson's restraints. If I had a knife that sharp, I'd be careful about -  
  
(a) keeping it in my belt; and  
  
(b) operating it so close to someone else's arm, especially if that someone was the person who signed my paycheques.  
  
Mark and Princess help Anderson up. Zoltar and ECdj choose this particular moment to close all the doors.  
  
"Locked in!" Mark observes, once again using his cerebonically enhanced Power Of Stating The Bleeding Obvious.  
  
"There must be some escape from here," Anderson reasons, "if only we can find it."  
  
There is something of a flaw in his logic, based as it is on an assumption, but I suppose we have to take his word for it since you don't get bright enough to be the only person in the whole world who can put the Laureli-3 back on course for nothing. Mind you, he's also silly enough not to have paid attention to any of the stuff going around about succession planning or delegation.  
  
"I'm afraid you're doomed to disappointment, Earthlings!" Zoltar's voice echoes around the chamber and the camera pans upward to reveal that he's standing at the top, high above them, flanked by soldiers. "There is no way out! You may as well face the fact. I've trapped you at last, and I've devised a fitting end: your own space rocket will destroy you!"  
  
"Does he mean Laureli-3?" Anderson asks, obviously having to do a bit of catching up on the plot since he's been out of the loop for a little while.  
  
"Yes," says Mark. "He turned it from its course and it's due to crash directly on this energy centre."  
  
"No," Anderson says. Denial is not a river in Egypt, sweetie.  
  
"A direct hit will cause tremendous explosions in the uranium storage tanks," Princess says.  
  
"You're quite right, G-Force!" Zoltar calls down. "I see you fully appreciate my cunning and ingenuity!" He turns to ECdj. "Commander, you may take over."  
  
ECdj salutes. "Yes, sir!" He takes a few steps to a large and Ominous Lever, which he pulls. This starts the blades of the fan thingy that Anderson's chair was on spinning.  
  
Fortunately, by now, everyone has vacated the blades and they're standing on the rim of the fan arrangement, at the edges of the big chamber.  
  
The fan blades get faster and faster, and the music gets dramatic!  
  
The chair topples into the blades and is smashed into little bits, which horrifies Princess. Nobody likes to see good furniture wasted.  
  
ECdj is getting carried away with power. "Now I'll just increase the voltage!" he decides, and pulls the switch some more.  
  
Lightning arcs from the centre of the big fan thingy. The air being forced through the fan starts to suck Jason's cape into the vortex and all six people have to hang on for dear life.  
  
Outside, the building trembles and Zoltar's ship makes an explosive take-off, crashing through the roof.  
  
ECdj suddenly comes to the realisation that he's been left behind. "Zoltar's flying away in the _Devil Star_! We're being abandoned! Left here to be blown up!" He breaks the lever that he's still grasping in both hands. "Well, he's not getting away with it!" he declares. The Spectran soldiers stare at him, apparently dumbfounded. "You fools!" ECdj shouts at them. "Why do you just stand there like that? Don't you realise a rocket's going to crash here in twenty minutes? You'll all go up in a huge mushroom cloud!"  
  
The soldiers, who clearly needed it spelled out for them, begin to appreciate the import of ECdj's words and flee with cries of, "Let's go!" "Come on!" "Scram!" and "He's deserted us!"  
  
ECdj is left alone in short order. "Wait for me, you rats!" he calls after the retreating soldiers. "I'm leaving, too!"  
  
There's a fireball. It seems as though the fan has burned itself out.  
  
"Princess! Try one of your yo-yo bombs!" Mark says.  
  
"Okay," Princess says and wields the yo-yo with her usual finesse. There's an explosion, but it only succeeds in taking the surface off the door.  
  
"No use," Mark decides. "That door's too strong. We're going to have to think of something a whole lot better."  
  
"Let me handle it," Jason says.  
  
Andeson falls to his hands and knees, apparently overcome by all the various detonations.  
  
Meanwhile, Jason is using his very vesatile gun as a cutting torch. Where does he keep the oxy and acetylene cylinders, one wonders?  
  
Jason cuts a hole in a wall panel by one of the doors, then reaches in and fiddles around with the mechanism inside. "The power unit for the door is shut off," he announces. "Looks like I'll have to try a little trick." He wields the gun again and starts cutting the floor near the base of the door.  
  
Tiny leans against the wall to watch. "Hope you try it before we get blown up," he says.  
  
Jason opens a floor panel and pulls at a cable. "Cut this with your boomerang," he tells Mark.  
  
"Okay," Mark agrees, "but watch it. That's a high voltage wire you're holding." Mark picks up the boomerang and flicks it forward. The blades cut through the cable, which sparks and writhes, a severed end in each of Jason's hands.  
  
Jason struggles with the hissing, spitting cable, falling to the ground and getting up again. "Another second and I'll have it," he says, and pushes the cable ends into the hole in the wall that he cut open earlier. "Everyone down!" he calls, and everyone obeys.  
  
There's another explosion (collect the set and you get steak knives!) and everyone looks up to see that the hold in the wall has been greatly enlarged, but more importantly, that the door is now open.  
  
"Beautiful! The door's open!" Mark says. Apparently it's his job this episode to wear the all-important mantle of Captain Obvious. "Let's split. To the _Phoenix_!"  
  
They split, so to speak, except for Jason, who is on his knees on the floor. Mark bends to help him. "You all right?"  
  
Jason is all right. "Let's go!" he says, and both of them get up to leave.  
  
They all run out of the building at back to the _Phoenix_ , which has been conveniently ignored by all the Spectran soldiers who were looking to escape the area.  
  
The _Phoenix_ takes off and ascends.  
  
"Chief," Mark says, "we'd better contact Space Control and have them get the Laureli-3 back in orbit, fast."  
  
"I'm afraid it's too late, Mark," Anderson says. "There's nothing we can do about it."  
  
Princess is horrified again. "Nothing?"  
  
Keyop is also horrified. "Gotta be!" he protests.  
  
"I don't buy that," Jason says. "If Zoltar can throw the space ship out of orbit, then I say we can put it back in orbit."  
  
"We can't," Anderson says, "because the rocket's correction system was totally destroyed when it was knocked off it's pre-set, scheduled course. We're all powerless to control it, now."  
  
Gives up easily, doesn't he?  
  
Still, the plot requires that Anderson gets the stupids this episode, and when he gets the stupids, he gets the stupids big-time. Not for Security Chief Anderson the occasional brief lapse of attention or the odd senior moment, no, he gets Industrial Strength Buy Bulk and Save Extra Large Value Pack Stupids. By the truckload.  
  
It would have been far more logical to simply point out that by now, Laureli-3 is in the grip of Earth's gravitational field and no longer has enough available power to escape. Most people, including the kiddies, would understand that, and it would make more sense than Anderson suddenly and inexplicably knowing that the correction system had been 'totally destroyed.'  
  
He's got the stupids and is omniscient _all at the same time_. Maybe Zark is contagious?  
  
"You mean we can't do _anything_ to prevent that terrible explosion?" Mark challenges.  
  
Anderson bows his head in defeat.  
  
Zark, though, steps in via tele-comm. And don't you hate it when he does that? "This is 7-Zark-7. I have an urgent communication from the two astronauts in the rocket which is diving out of control. They request that their ship be exploded before it crashes to Earth."  
  
Anderson considers this for a moment. "That's a terrible request to grant," he says.  
  
Zark, however, is implacable. "You must give the order to G-Force quickly. They are the only ones within proper range who can be depended on for absolute accuracy."  
  
"It's the only solution," Anderson agrees. "We must destroy Laureli-3 before it strikes Earth."  
  
"Oh, no!" Mark breathes, as though it had never occurred to him.  
  
"There's a borderline chance they can eject safely during re-entry," Anderson continues, "but we can't know before we fire at them. Tiny, get your altitude up to ten thousand feet. Hurry, Tiny!"  
  
"Big ten," Tiny acknowledges, and puts the _Phoenix_ into a climb.  
  
"Princess, adjust your radio cycle to M-X-O-Z. I want to make certain the astronauts have made their decision final."  
  
Princess complies, and Tiny reports that they've reached ten thousand feet.  
  
Okay, let's just pause for a moment and consider the very, very, very dodgy science here. I find it hard to believe that there is any way that anyone can safely eject from a space ship during re-entry due to the incredibly high temperatures and stresses involved. I also think that ten thousand feet is dangerously low for shooting down a rocket ship. I mean, even passenger jets fly well over thirty thousand feet. This is just silly.  
  
Princess announces that the radio is set.  
  
Anderson accesses the radio and calls up the ship. "Come in, Laureli-3," he says. "Do you read me, Laureli? All we can do to prevent a major tragedy is to explode your rocket before it reaches us, whether or not you have ejected. This is what you have volunteered to do."  
  
The astronauts in the rocket, who are wearing ornate gold crosses around their necks over their space suits (?) turn their radio off and shake hands.  
  
We see the doomed ship continuing to descend, and are now punished with some more Zark. "Well," says Zark, (and how many lines of dialogue in this episode have started with the word, 'well'?) "there goes the space ship, Laureli-3, plunging to Earth, all because a madman named Zoltar altered its orbit."  
  
Back aboard the _Phoenix_ , everyone is very sad. "We all have to do our duty," Chief Anderson says.  
  
Princess is tracking the ship's progress. "Laureli-3 has just re-entered the Earth's atmosphere," she reports.  
  
Anderson checks his watch. "It will crash in three minutes, Mark," he says. "Fire at Laureli-3 with the Phoenix Super-Missile."  
  
Mark is struggling, both physically and emotionally, with the idea. "There's got to be another way!"  
  
Anderson rests a hand on Mark's shoulder. "There's no other way, Mark. It's the only thing we can do to save a terrible crash here on Earth."  
  
Yes. Think of the puppies. (Oh, sorry, that was Rincewind's argument to Cohen the Barbarian in _The Last Hero_...)  
  
"This isn't the way I like to beat Zoltar," Mark growls.  
  
"It's turning into a fireball," Tiny says, and Mark looks up to see the burning ship plummeting through the sky.  
  
"Yes," Anderson says grimly, "that's Laureli-3."  
  
"Only one minute until the crash," Princess says.  
  
"Mark!" Keyop bleats.  
  
The fireball continues on its course.  
  
"Fire!" Jason pleads.  
  
"Now, Mark!" Tiny says.  
  
Mark grits his teeth and visualises Zoltar laughing and gloating.  
  
"It's our last chance, Commander," Anderson says, tearing at his hair. "You must fire now!"  
  
Jason runs forward and takes control of the weapons console. "All right, Zoltar. This is where we draw the line." He gets ready to fire, then at the last minute, Mark shoves Jason aside and punches the firing button with both fists.  
  
The missile flies free and strikes the Laureli-3 just before it hits the atomic energy centre. The blast scorches the earth and the buildings, causing quite a bit of damage but still averting the disaster that would have occurred had the ship hit the atomic pile and the uranium storage facility.  
  
There is some very sad music from a Hammond organ as debris rains down on the atomic energy center building. For our sins, Zark narrates for us yet again: "That was a tough decision, but it was the right one, and the only one."  
  
Now we are going to get well and truly Zarked. "The borderline chance worked. Although those brave astronauts volunteered to give their lives if necessary, they managed to eject just in time to safety, and the world's largest atomic energy centre was spared destruction. G-Force has defeated Zoltar _again_!"  
  
We cut back to Nerve Center, where the tin toad is back with 1-Rover-1. "It's good to have Chief Anderson safely back at Center Neptune, but that Zoltar! Will his evil mind never stop inventing ways to conquer Earth?" Zark flaps his nasty, horrible little flappy cape thingy and flies back over to his monitors. 1-Rover-1 uses his improbable tail rotor to get airborne and joins Zark on the other side of the room. "Robots aren't supposed to have emotions," Zark says, as I gag, "but something about Zoltar just overheats my oscillator reactors. Zark tries out a few martial arts moves on his monitors. "Oh, dear," he says, "I get so carried away, I've shorted out my controls and cut off all contact with Planet Spectra and Zoltar." Rover yaps at Zark a bit. "You're right, 1-Rover-1. Until the damage is repaired, not seeing or hearing from Zoltar will be the first vacation we've ever had!”  
  
  
  
We got well and truly Zarked this episode. There was all that foreshadowing of doom at the beginning, we actually got to see a dead guy (‘E’s just resting!’) we saw the space craft destroyed, and Zark assured us all that everyone was going to be fine.  
  
The Dead Parrot Sketch rides again! Only it isn’t nearly as funny.  
  
Pythons aside, this episode was ahead of its time. The good guys didn’t have a complete victory. More to the point, the space programme wasn’t a rousing success. Since this episode first went to air, we saw the _Challenger_ disaster and the _Columbia_ tragedy destroy two space shuttles with the loss of both crews. The Zarking just seems that much more hollow in the twenty first century then it did when it first went to air. Post 9/11 it seems obvious that the only thing G-Force could do was to shoot the Laureli-3 down. In 1979 it seemed unthinkable.  
  
Ironically, this episode of Battle of the Planets seems more poignant and relevant now, over three and a half decades later, than it did the first time I saw it. Funny, that.  
  
I still hate Zark though. I think I hate him even more than I did before.  
  
So maybe all really is well.


End file.
